Dropping Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism and Martyrdom to Find Happiness

Five years ago, I heard my name called in a room I never expected to enter, for an award I never expected to receive. In September 2016, I was named CEO of the Year in the Australian HR Awards: The AchieveForum Australian HR Champion (CEO) of the Year Award. It was an award that recognised a CEO who has ‘driven successful HR strategies from the top by putting people first and championing innovative HR values.’ There was applause, a trophy, photographs and hands to shake. I was 44 years old. A wife. A mother to four children. Co-founder and CEO of a company with over 100 staff, serving thousands of clients, turning over millions of dollars. I was on paper, a success. But the woman in the photographs that night is a woman I do not recognise. I was lost and I was in hiding.

Back in 2006 my husband Randall Smith and I started a company – Churchill Education, to help people overcome the challenges Randall had faced …

Diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Randall had struggled through a period of recovery and in the process been forced into a medical retirement from the only career he had ever wanted. His identity had been fractured and our path forward was uncertain. Transitioning careers and lacking the qualifications that attested to his years of experience as a leader and police Detective, we had navigated the process of converting his experience into qualifications through Recognition of Prior Learning. When he had feared he was worthless, that his career had been meaningless, receiving this recognition had been the boost to his confidence that he so desperately needed. We had established Churchill Education to help others receive the recognition they deserved. It was the purpose we both needed. As the business grew, it had seemed we had left the challenges behind us; until one day in 2015, I looked into my husband’s eyes and saw PTSD looking back at me. Randall had relapsed and the psychiatrist at the first appointment announced that Randall had tested at 100 per cent dysfunction. It was to be a long road back.

Mental illness is a thief

It stole joy and made me question hope as I lost the man I knew and loved to its grip for a second time. Yes, not content with one, mental illness wraps its icy fingers around vulnerable others who are close by.

Ten years after our first round with PTSD, once again, Randall and I lined up to do battle

Randall went on immediate medical leave from our company, and I stepped into holding our world together: business, Randall, our four children, home. It is with some shame that I acknowledge that was the order too. While Randall’s psychiatrist was helping him reconnect with the world, with our children and with his own sense of identity, I was buried deep in the responsibilities of a multi-million dollar, rapidly expanding business, without my partner. Nominating for that award was not my idea. My HR Manager had submitted the award and came to me, excitedly, when I was shortlisted as a finalist. I read the list of finalists’ names and all they had achieved in their lives. At no point did I even contemplate that it would be my name called at the awards ceremony. Donning a dress to attend that evening, all I saw was an imposter. As my name was announced, my husband looked so proudly at me. Walking up to the stage, the MC commented that I looked like the only genuinely surprised recipient that evening. And I was.

Today, when I look back at the official photograph of that night, I see sadness

The truth is, I was giving my best on every front except to caring for myself. Unable to care for myself, I could not see the award as anything to celebrate. The worst part of that is that my eldest daughter, Elle, was there that evening. It was her 11th birthday and so I had brought her to Sydney with me to attend the ceremony together. As I was standing for the official photographs, I heard her voice call “Mama!” and then she flung herself at me, arms wrapped around me with excitement and pride.

If I could do that evening over, I would want my daughter to see me celebrating that moment

There are no do-over buttons in our lives. There are however refresh options. When that official photograph arrived in my inbox, it was a mirror. Looking into the mirror, I decided to make changes. I decided I didn’t have it all and that I didn’t actually want to have it all. Instead, I decided to get clear about what I did want: work I could be proud of, family I could be connected with and good health to carry me into old age. It took time and persistence, but over the last five years, I have prioritised caring for myself. How?

Ditching the Imposter

I decided that my inner Imposter had to go. I named her Olive. And I came up with a saying that told Olive to head off when she started in on her negative chatter. It took time and persistence, but Olive learned her place. I was no Imposter. I was a Learner and a Do-er.

Experience Counts

My career has built up a wealth of experience: from my time in administration, to becoming a Crown Prosecutor with the Office of Director of Public Prosecutions and leaving a legal career to build a business in Vocational Education, all of it has taught me valuable skills. I respect my own experience now and when I need to learn something new in my role, I see it not as cause to question my ability but as an opportunity to add to my career treasure chest. It is the same level of respect and recognition that I have so willingly extended to my team and customers. I recognised that it was important to show myself respect too.

Churchill Education is committed to helping more women get the career recognition they deserve. If you would like to find out what qualifications you are eligible for, I invite you to apply for one of our free assessments here.

Designing Work

Like so many women, I have worked long hours and felt the conflicted pull between work and family. Some evenings I would come home from the office, exhausted, and see my children chattering with Randall in the kitchen. They wouldn’t even have realise I was home and I would stand quietly watching them, an outsider looking in sadly. I have four children and one thing I know to be true is that their years are passing quicker than I imagined. I consciously redesigned my working world. It started by turning off the notifications on my telephone. It moved to a set time for departing the office. When I was with the family, I was with the family, not giving in to the temptation of work conversations outside of working hours. I encouraged our team to do the same – under the mantra of “Family first. Go home. It can wait until tomorrow.” And then I started staying firmly in my lane in my work areas – leaving others to deliver their work priorities and watched them do it well, without my ‘help’.

Coaching

It is said that old habits die hard. I had old habits and I knew that to beat them off, I was going to require help. I got a performance coach – paid and unpaid. My unpaid coaches were trusted friends who I was unafraid to be honest with about the challenges and who in return were unafraid of reminding me of my goals. It took time and accountability but those old habits of perfectionism, over working and low self-esteem dwindled.

Health Matters

Unsurprisingly, I received some poor health reports along the way that required swift action to avoid more dire reports. I made the decision to undergo Gastric Bypass surgery, lost 60 kilograms and gained a new hobby in hiking. Time on the trails does wonders for my mental health. Five years on, Randall has also successfully navigated the challenges of mental illness to his full recovery. Good health has become a priority for both of us. At 49, I now am the healthiest I have ever been – on every level. I am unlikely to enter an award again for my professional role; it is just not how I am wired. But I am throwing my best at the opportunities to shine in life and letting my daughter, Elle, see my excitement along the way. As women, we can do everything – but when we attempt to do it all at once, we risk losing ourselves. Rather than pursuing it all at once, I have made decisions about what I will include in that sense of “all” right now. Over time, my all is changing and I expect it will continue to change. And thankfully, now with my renewed version of all, whenever I look at my photograph snapped along the way, I see myself, right there, an imposter no more.

If you would like to find out what nationally recognised qualifications your career experience could be converted into, apply for a free Recognition of Prior Learning Assessment with Churchill Education by submitting your details here, or give them a call on 1300 793 002.

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